beliefs

Do Babies = Divorce?

As Brandi and I prepared for our new support group for expecting couples, this question popped up.

We know from John Gottman, the renowned couples therapist and researcher, that two-thirds of couples report a decrease in relationship satisfaction after the first baby is born.  Gottman also tells us that sex and romance decrease, conflicts increase, and most affairs happen in the time after baby number one shows up.  We thought this would certainly mean an increase in divorce as well.

Scouring the web for divorce statistics didn’t help so much with answering this hot question.  Federal funding was suspended in 1996 for collecting and publishing detailed divorce statistics.  Since then, the US Census Bureau has done it’s best to keep track by using a “crude” divorce rate, which measures divorces per 1,000 people.  Among the problems with this way of measuring divorce is that it doesn’t weed out the single people or children, and some states don’t even report divorce statistics to the Bureau.  In another way of attempting to calculate divorce rate called the refined way, the Bureau will take the number of divorces per 1,000 married women.  This takes care of the problem with counting for singles and children but there are, of course, other issues.  These statistics don’t factor in those unmarried couples who are cohabiting, and they also don’t take into consideration that the couples who are divorcing are not the couples who married in that same year in most cases.  Thus, the rates turn out a bit skewed because rates of marriages per year also fluctuate which will affect the outcome of divorce percentage, even if divorce trends have remained steady.  If it’s this complicated to get a general divorce statistic, the statistic we were looking for with regards to how divorce stacks up amongst couples with kids and without, we most likely weren’t going to find.  If you’re curious, the one thing that researchers do agree on is that divorce has been on the decline since 1980.

 

The closest we got to an answer on the world wide web was a stat on a Huffington Post article that stated this:  Of the divorced couples in the U.S., 66% are sans child, as opposed to 40% who have children (Larson, 2011).  Larson goes on to explain that marriages with no children are easier to end, legally and emotionally.  Some states even make couples with children wait up to a year before they can finalize their divorce.  It’s not that kids make marriages better (as we’ve seen in countless studies, the opposite tends to be true); parents stay together to avoid a long, expensive, emotionally taxing legal proceedings and often times, as we’ve heard time and time again in the therapy room, “for the kid’s sake”.

 

Making decisions based on other people’s feelings or the fear of other people’s reactions, could seem selfless if talking about your own child, however, still lends itself to a difficult path of unhappiness and unhealthy behaviors.  The only thing worse than a divorce is staying in an unhealthy, unhappy marriage, we think.  Most couples unfortunately wait too long before getting help and end therapy just as miserable as they were when they began.  Yes, therapy can save marriages, but timing is important and both partners need to be willing to do therapy (and we don’t mean just show up once a week).

 

ParentPrep is a 4-week workshop welcoming first time expecting parents to have an open and candid dialogue about expectations, fears and fantasies surrounding parenthood.  We think that if couples are better prepared for parenthood before the baby arrives, they will be more likely to make it!  Think of it as couple’s therapy before you even need it.  This way, you will have the tools needed when conflict arises.  You will know how to keep intimacy alive before it even wanes.  You will know how to take care of your partner before they have to ask.  We will talk about what things parents who are thriving post baby have in common and how you can incorporate it into your own relationship.  We will also highlight Postpartum Depression and Anxiety, which hits up to 20% and 15% of mothers respectively (http://www.2020mom.org) and what to do if you find yourself suffering from these all too common symptoms.  According to a doctor who writes for Parents Magazine, the best way to prevent PPD is to have realistic expectations (Epstein, R.H., Parents Magazine).  Benjamin Franklin said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.

 

We hope you will join us in reaching out to those couples expecting and let them know of this opportunity to help themselves, their marriage, and their future family!  Groups start October 13th!

 

REFERENCES:

 

“US Divorce Rates and Statistics”, (http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/u-s-divorce-rates-and-statistics-1037.shtml)

 

Gottman, J., PhD., 2008.   And Baby Makes Three.

 

Larson, V., 2011.  Are Childless Couples Headed Toward Divorce?  (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/are-childfree-couples-doo_b_913051.html)

 

http://www.2020mom.org

 

Epstein, R.H., Ways To Prevent Postpartum Depression.  (http://www.parents.com/baby/health/postpartum-depression/ways-to-prevent-postpartum-depression/#page=4).

Fear & Failure

Fear is a natural feeling state for humans.

We experience it for many reasons: To avoid getting hit by a bus. To avoid getting eaten by a tiger. Its a really great warning system to have in place when faced with so many unknowns. Only, we don’t need fear as much as we used to; we are pretty smart. Maybe too smart. We know to avoid places/things that freak us out or could hurt us.

The only thing is is that fear hasn’t biologically gone away. Its still with us, and its bored. B O R E D bored. And grumpy about having nothing to do. Anxiety and fear are with many of us and holds on with vengeance. Anxiety gives new meaning to the colloquialism, “Idle hands make devils work”. In this case, unused brain space makes for fear.

So, what does fear do with all of its own anxiety about not being needed? It occupies itself with worrying about what to eat…  buying the right tires… did my ex really just say that? Is the U.S.A. really going to lose this soccer match? You know, important things (well, anxiety would tell you that these things are life and death, but if you were to scale those anxious thoughts, would you really give them a 10?) If you don’t learn to manage your fear/anxiety, you’re going to find it hard to stay “happy”.

Additionally, we were likely taught while growing up to avoid negative feeling states. We avoid feeling fear/shame/anxiety and really never figured out how to manage it. Then we started school, and everything got even more complicated. Maybe as a child you ‘failed’ at something you felt anxious about, and then were shamed by a parent or friend. Maybe you did it all on your own!  But, if you experience fear and shame with failure enough times. they become biologically linked. Fear and shame are anti-success feelings: they hinder our ability to be creative and to solve problems. 

I’m not going to get into how our culture breeds fear. How busy parents cultivates an inner fear that we are not worthy of love and attention.  I know that Carol Dweck talks about how children learn and she posits that our parenting methods over the last 30+ years have bred a culture deeply ashamed of failure.

While telling your children that they are “special” seems like the right thing to do, it fosters an unhealthy relationship between “special” and “success.”

Imagine that you linked “being special” to “being successful in tasks”. Now, if you fail at at task, you are unsuccessful. Such a simple idea. And destructive.

Example:  Imagine that I am pretty good at math. And, for the first 6 years of school, I get straight A’s. Everyone tells me how smart I am. They praise me for it. Only, inside I know that I am not working that hard. That their “praise” is misguided and  I read their praise as “you love me if I’m smart”, but my fear is, “if they ‘really’ knew me… they’d know I’m a fraud.”

I begin to avoid anyone “seeing” me as anything other than smart. Failure is “not an option”.  Besides, the praise feels really really good.  Feeling understood and seen is a key component in an individuals ability to regulate and experience happiness.

It gets worse… now, I have emotionally and biologically linked  A’s to being good. Then,  I hit a class where I am challenged. I have to work. And think. Problem solve and resolve an issue. I haven’t been taught to do this. I was just told I was smart because I got good grades. And that was easy. Now its difficult…. I suddenly feel afraid and stupid and ashamed, and do not want to tell the people who have been calling me smart for 6 years that I’m stupid.. right?  Now, I’m even more cut off, won’t try new things for fear of failing. Boom. Fear and Failure are now linked. We challenge ourselves less and less to grow and to try and to face difficult tasks.

In reality, fear and failure are very different beasts. Fear means we need to get out of Dodge. Failure means we need to try something else. But, if you experience failure and fear as the same thing, my guess is that you become paralyzed or hindered when trying to get yourself out of a jam.

So, how do you start to work on this misconstruction? Ask yourself, what is the opposite of fear? Sure, courage – but more than that, its curiosity.  It’s the love of self. Of learning.

So, I invite you to love yourself when afraid and to see what happens. Can you imagine your life without fear of failure?

What can you do?

 

What’s your Prime Directive?

 

What’s Your Prime Directive?

If you’ve ever watched Star Trek, you know that Kirk and crew aren’t allowed to interfere in any way with the planet they are visiting that week. They go to great lengths to hide Spock’s ears. Their phasers. Even though they possess the ability to help a planet from destroying itself, they don’t. (Ok, usually don’t). Their prime directive is “do not interfere.” 

I was contemplating this rule (yeah, I am a geek!) the other day and thought… what is my prime directive? What is the base level value or belief I can’t cross without significant harm to my sense of self? What are the things I never question about:  

  • Who I am?
  • What I do?
  • What I believe? 

We create the prime directives that rule our lives. Their creation begins in childhood. Heard, thought or said enough times, a thought becomes a belief. We adopt the rules and beliefs of our caregivers;  our friends. We don’t question the fact that these beliefs may someday harm us.

Psychology has lots of names for these rules we create, but the bottom line is that if you’re not aware of your prime directive, it will interfere with you in ways you don’t even understand.  The unexamined rules we create as children are activated automatically. But it may be creating disharmony in your life.

Here’s an example of how they can interfere with our lives:

Mary was told as kid that she wasn’t good enough. Through a process called internalization, she turns this message into a rule – always be good enough. But the underlying fear of not being good enough becomes a defense mechanism, designed to avoid the feeling of “not good enough”.

BAM! She’s got herself a darn cruddy prime directive: “Always be on guard for someone telling me I’m not good enough.” Make sure they understand that I am good enough.” It seems harmless, right? How does the unexamined rule affect her?

  • Romance/Friendship/Family: Difficulty accepting feedback, feeling criticized often, short-term/high conflict relationships,few intimate friendships.
  • Work: Feedback is perceived as scrutiny: “My boss doesn’t think I’m good enough.” low morale, insecurity regarding abilities or worry about being fired, perfectionistic goals leading to unhappiness.
  • Personal: Depression, hopelessness, constant fear, anxiety, difficulty with consistency and commitment, job-hopping, paranoia, low self-esteem, externalized locus of control and power.

Do you see how her prime directive to “be on guard for not good enough” harms her ability to feel contentment?

Our work as is to uncover the rigid, internalized rules that govern our lives. As parents, its to understand how the messages we are sending may be translated into these types of rules in our kids.

Once understood, we can easily rewrite our directive.

Turning that rewrite into reality takes time, patience and practice. We often become frustrated when we ‘do the same old thing’ and give up. Practicing presence and patience with yourself can provide the space needed to live without the shame of a prime directive. 

Can you imagine a world where everyone’s primary rule was to love? or to promote contentment? or understanding?

Yeah. I want to live in that world. Get on it. Rewrite that prime directive.